After, I became able to load Talon in the trailer we started traveling frequently for training, clinics, and competitions. It looked like we were back on track with my heart’s desire to climb the levels of Eventing.
We began progressing quickly–too quickly…
Despite my limited experience, I was a talented rider and Talon was a talented horse. To this day, I’ve never ridden a horse more enjoyable to jump than Talon–he was so smart, careful, and athletic. He had the ability to naturally read and adjust himself for complicated lines and loved solving those “puzzles”. Jumping him was so FUN and him being so careful always made me feel safe.
At every clinic we went to the clinicians would sing our praises. The common message I received was Talon and I looked like we would have no issues moving right up the levels. I remember at one clinic I had signed up for Beginner Novice/Novice and ended up being moved to the Preliminary group by the end of the clinic; we held our own riding with these much more experienced horse and rider pairs. Talk about my ego getting inflated…
I was so proud of myself and Talon. These top-level riders who had already accomplished what I wanted to accomplish saw talent and potential in me and Talon–I eagerly wanted to fulfill that potential…
Talon and I did quickly progress up the levels and I took him around his first Preliminary level Event when he was only 5 years old. I did the bare minimum to get qualified for this level. I just wanted to keep progressing. There were warning signs this quick progression would soon fail, but I was not aware of them or considered them simple “training” issues…
Talon’s nemesis was the basic, open ditch. He jumped them incredibly awkwardly, often landing on all four feet at the same time–this type of landing was jarring for us both. He would often refuse these basic ditches. When a horse refuses jumps, a common method for “training” is to punish the horse by using the crop and/or spurs, and this was the method I regretfully used to temporarily overcome this ditch refusing issue with Talon. It worked for awhile…
This type of training is very common among all riding disciplines. It causes the horse to reduce the “undesirable” behavior to avoid consequences. I in no way support this type of training, but it was what I knew and everyone around me was doing it this way, so I just thought it was how you trained horses. I never felt good internally about this style of training, but I suppressed my own internal voice saying, “no” too.
Behavior is communication.
This type of training is saying to the horse, “If you say, ‘no’, there will be consequences.” Rather than try to understand why Talon was saying, “no,” I labeled his behavior as a “training” issue. In reality, his refusal of the ditches was his attempt to communicate how he felt physically and mentally about jumping them, and my attempts to train away this behavior was telling him not to communicate how he feels to me–that he must submit to my will no matter how he feels about it.
There were other warning signs…
He was always girthy.
He did not like being groomed or being touched.
He was incredibly mouthy (of course, at this time my solution was a flash noseband).
His trot was incredibly short and choppy (we never scored well in dressage). I remember one judge wrote the comment, “Horse does not look happy.” I was really offended by this comment at the time, but what she said was absolutely true. I just didn’t want to see it or believe it.
He was becoming progressively more and more spooky.
He always stood with his front left foot forward. Again, I considered this a training issue, so would continuously ask him to stand square.
He was becoming increasingly more difficult for me to catch in the field.
Our progression up the levels would soon come to an end…
This picture is for a bit of comic relief, but it also captures an important piece of our story…
This picture was taken by one of my student’s parents at a horse show. I jokingly called this chair my “napping chair.” This was a common scene whenever I had a chance to sit down.
At the time Talon and I were progressing up the levels, I was working a full-time engineering job and I had been slowly building up a side business teaching and training.
When I wasn’t working at my engineering job, I was teaching and training in addition to keeping my own two horses going (I was still competing Dart in Dressage at this time). Weekends when I wasn’t competing were spent traveling around to local barns to teach and train. During the week I would rush to the barn after work to work my own horses before teaching lessons and/or training client horses. It was really crazy.
I was driven and energized by my passion for horses, but this was not a sustainable way to live.
Self-care wasn’t something on my radar at that time.
Eventually, I took a leap of faith and quit my engineering job to start working with students and horses full-time. This was a dream fulfilled and I was loving it, but this changed the dynamic of my partnership with Talon…
All of the sudden my entire livelihood was bound to my ability to work with horses. I felt more pressure to succeed and now it wasn’t just my own internal pressure…I had clients to please and felt the need to prove my abilities as a trainer. Working with horses wasn’t just something I was doing for the love of it anymore.
My internal state was like a PRESSURE COOKER!...
I was tired, but kept pushing myself to do more and more.
I felt immense pressure to succeed.
My self-care was non-existent…I didn’t get enough sleep, I often forgot to eat and drink, I was pushing my body to the limit, I had no time just for myself, and I didn’t know how to manage my stress or relax. I just kept pushing through…
I was in a state of chronic stress and was completely unaware of it.
It would be through learning about the importance of Talon’s core-care that I began to understand the importance of my own self-care and the effect our internal state has on one another.
Things were looking really good for me. I was living my dream of working with horses all day. I had more clients and work than I could handle and ended up hiring my best friend. What could be better than working with horses and your best friend all day?!... It was an exciting and fun moment in my life.
But, things started going downhill with Talon…
His issue with ditches started showing up again. And this time, the usual approach to correct this behavior by punishing with the spurs and/or crop wasn’t working (again, this is not a training approach I support anymore if this is the first post you’re reading in this blog series…these are old memories). There’s a ditch on basically every cross-country course, so this was going to be a real problem in my quest to progress up the levels of Eventing.
The advice I was receiving was essentially the message, “I was going to have to get tougher about it.” Essentially, I was being told I would have to escalate the consequences to him saying, “no.” This didn’t feel right to me, but I tried to get a little tougher–I continued suppressing my own internal voice saying, “no.” I was thinking, “This is advice from people who have already accomplished what I want to accomplish, so who am I to question them?”
I remember one instance where I praised Talon and gave him a pat for finally jumping the ditch after what felt like a battle that would never end. The trainer I was working with yelled at me for praising him; saying, “You should be hitting him, not patting him!” I thought to myself, “You want me to punish my horse for DOING what I asked???”...I refused to do this as it made no sense to me.
My internal voice was getting louder and I was starting to listen…
Side Note - It is not my intention to speak negatively about anyone, but I do have to share some pieces of my interactions with others during this time to tell the story. I have certainly given my fair share of what I now view as “bad” advice over my horse career–we’re always sharing what we know–and when we know better, we can do better.
Suddenly this horse who had been receiving high praise from everyone we worked with was now being labeled a “bad” horse, a “naughty” horse, a “pig,” so many negative names, and when getting “tougher” wasn’t working the next piece of advice I started receiving was to get a new horse.
This really didn’t feel right to me. I hated how my horse was behaving, but I still loved my horse.
I KNEW there had to be more to it and there had to be another way…
This is the point where I made a CHOICE to walk away from the advice I was being given and do what felt right to me.
So, I walked away from this circle, and I started looking into alternative training approaches. I started trying to come up with more creative, kinder approaches to working with Talon. This then got me called all sorts of names too–suddenly, I was “tree-hugger” or “too nicey-nice.”
So here I was, a “nicey-nice” person with a “naughty” horse.
I was feeling really frustrated, alone, and rejected during this time. Not to mention, I was feeling like I was failing. My thoughts were filled with insecurities about what my clients would think about all of this.
AND, I was still solely focused on it being a TRAINING issue.
Luckily, someone would help me start to see Talon’s issues from a new perspective…
Talon's Story Blog Series Navigation
Part II: Rise & Fall
Part VII: The Transformation
Ready to Elevate Your Horsemanship?!....
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